Being a fat kid...
I've been very open in here about being a fat kid. I need to dig up pictures of me during that time in my life. I do, because that time still effects me to this day.
I have a vivid memory in my mind. I couldn't have been more than 12 years old. I had a pot belly. A BAD mullet haircut. Huge plastic framed glasses. Puberty was in full force, and I had acne. And I was in the midst of my first real crush on a boy. At the time, I thought he was God's answer to what a 12 year old boy should look like. And in that innocent way that kids have, I told him how I felt.
And the look of horror on his face is burned into my heart to this day. I heard the next day at school that he couldn't believe a fat girl was into him.
A fat girl. There it was. Finally spoken out loud. Never mind that I was smart or funny. Never mind that my friends and family loved me. In the eyes of the boy that I desired, I was a fat girl.
From that day forward, no matter what I saw in the mirror, the image of that mulleted, bespectacled fat girl always seemed to be peeking back at me. Whispering to me that I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough or good enough for whatever it was that I wanted at that juncture of my life.
Was he wrong? No. Because I WAS a fat girl. But I was also a girl. One with a fragile ego shifting from childhood innocence to adolescent uncertainty. And the realization that not only was I fat, but the whole world saw it too was crushing.
A few years later, I ran into that boy again. I was 14 at that time, and had just finished my first season of track. The glasses were gone. The hair was long and curly. And the baby fat had been melted away by months of intense running. And while it was vaguely satisfying to deny him at that time, it was also a reminder that a girl's value is very much balanced on her physical appearance. After all, I was still that same girl on the inside...
Why do I confess all of this? Because somewhere, right now, there is a little girl who is overweight, with bad hair, pimples and glasses (or braces, or whatever)... and if her ego hasn't been smacked down yet... it will be soon.
I run this next full marathon in the hopes that we can find her before her ego is crushed. Teach her to run. Teach her that she is strong and beautiful. Teach her that she is capable of so much more.
Fat Alicia? I am doing this for you, mi'ja....
Posts
You are so beautiful Alicia!! My full support for you in your marathon. Love you girl!
Great post.
I was never the fat girl, but I was NERDY, and the weird girl who read a lot and was a tomboy.
Rejection is always brutal, and I think this is spot on: "it was also a reminder that a girl's value is very much balanced on her physical appearance."
I believe the more we make girls feel valued for what they do, the better the world will be.
What a great post from the heart. :)
I was (and to a large extent) still am that girl, even at 35. Still working on getting the weight off, still wear the glasses (though I pretend I look like a sexy librarian now), and still have the long hair. But you are right. I was lucky. The boy I had my first crush on was kind and treated me as a friend. It became a theme in my life, the guys I liked treating me as friends, but it was kinder than being treated as I could have been. Great post! Thank you for putting it out there!
I love this!!! Must repost it!