For weeks now, my coach and I have been working through my mental hurdles on our way to this marathon. What we have been finding is that I am my own worst enemy.
There is a scene in the Empire Strikes Back where Yoda is training Luke on the use of the force... and Luke gives up. When Yoda uses the force to lift the X-Wing out of the swamp, Luke says 'I don't believe it' and Yoda responds 'That is why you fail.'
That right there sums me up. I have a hard time believing I can do this- even when the proof that I can is right in front of me. Something in my mind keeps whispering that I don't have this in me. That I don't deserve it. And that right there, is why I fail.
The reality is that I *do* deserve this. I *have* put in the work for it. Paid my dues along the way. Even though the voice of doubt whispers to me that I'm not really a runner, the fact is that I *am*. The challenge for me will be to believe it... and I must. I must learn to believe it, and learn to believe it quickly or San Diego will be a brutal challenge. So, even though it isn't Lent, I am giving this up. Giving up my fatalistic mindset. Giving up the negativity. And like giving anything up for Lent, this will not be easy...
This past weekend I ran another half marathon. With my hip acting up, I was nervous going into it. And sure enough, my mental games caught up with me, and I ran a miserable race. I threw up twice on the course- a first for me. I got to the starting line with my a-game, and with each successive sick-fest, lost a letter, having to finish the run on my c-game, at best. I ended up finishing the half just 2 minutes shy of my PR. A PR that I will openly admit to being embarassed about. I wanted a new PR. I wanted it badly, and to say I was disappointed with my performance is the understatement of the day.
But life goes on. I need to push this one aside and learn from my mistakes. One more race for me before San Diego... and then the moment of truth. T-minus (just less than) 3 weeks and counting.